Uncomfortable Is Good
Roughly two years ago I started working out at home because we were in lock down here in Ontario Canada and I was aware of my deteriorating mental health. God was calling me to move my body. I used to love working out in my twenties but my wellness had taken a back seat to motherhood the last few years. My sister and I were talking about joining an online workout platform together. I have always been passionate about online communities and so when I joined the organization I joined as a Coach with the goal of creating my own community around self care. What I did not realize about the coach community I was entering, was that I was about to be submerged into a group of people who were not just concerned with losing weight but that they were doing work that caused change in every area of their lives.
Personal Development.
At the time of starting this journey, I was spending time every morning reading my Bible and in prayer with God. I thought that personal development was silly and because I had my Bible and Bible study, I didn’t need the self help books, podcasts, vision casting sessions, goal setting, God would take care of everything, RIGHT?
God is sovereign over everything, Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Reluctantly I started taking part, I started taking action, I started walking by faith, even though I didn't know where any of this “stuff” would get me. I wrote out a vision for the first time in my life of what I wanted. I started writing my goals, they were small at first but it felt really scary to write what I wanted.
Two years passed of me getting healthy in my mind and body through movement, nutrition and deepening my faith walk. I was experiencing change but not like I wanted, God was calling me to more work, more action but I felt stuck. I had made friends with a Christian woman who was also a Life Coach. I loved her confidence, I could tell it was something rooted in Christ, it was something I wanted in my own life. I was reading her website and I thought her coaching services would really help me but I was still sceptical. I had never had a Life Coach before and I wondered how this could actually make a difference in my life and also I felt bad about spending the money on myself for this service.
I prayed to God, I asked for Life Coaching, I asked for something that would unstick me from everything that felt so heavy on my shoulders, I felt so deep down in despair, I didn't know how to get out. I didn't know how any of this could change, my future felt hopeless to be the same forever, stuck in debt, stuck in not feeling fulfilled, stuck in feeling overwhelmed with my role as a mother and homeschool mom.
Two weeks after crying out to God about the Life Coach and feeling so stuck, my friend and Life Coach Melanie Gall offered me 4 sessions of her Life Coaching services for free in return for me sharing my experience on my social media and assisting with her marketing her services.
I was so grateful for the opportunity to have some God centred guidance. As I stated, I had never done Life Coaching before and I think I went into this work with the notion that she would tell me what I needed to do, to change my circumstances. I was wrong, what happened next was something I could have never expected. Melanie explained to me that we could talk about whatever I wanted to talk about in our sessions and she would act as a sort of “thought guide” and so I started talking. I started talking about everything and anything that weighed me down, everything that was bubbling just under the surface but that I had been keeping locked up so tight, I started to share it and Melanie helped me get curious about the things in my past, my feelings and my reactions to what was happening around me. She reminded me of the love of Jesus, who I am in Him and through this work I realized I was living a less than existence and it was hurting everyone in my life. I was bought at an expensive price, the blood of Jesus was poured out for me and I was not living like the set free daughter I claimed to be. I was trapped in fear and worshipped myself, thinking I could do and control all and that sin was keeping me from truly living.
A week after one of my sessions, I spent a peaceful weekend at home with just my two daughters. My son was spending the weekend at his cousin's house and my husband had gone to a wedding out of town. My mom had planned on babysitting the girls and I was supposed to go out of town with my husband to the wedding but my mom got sick and so I stayed home. In staying home from this wedding, I felt a sense of relief, which was odd, I wondered to myself “Shouldn’t I feel sad about not being able to go to a wedding with my husband?”.
I have been sober from alcohol for 7 years and through all of my sobriety journey I have said that I was ok at parties where people are drinking and getting drunk. In this moment I realised, I wasn't being honest with myself about that and I haven't been honest with the people in my life about that truth. I was not ok being around people getting drunk and staying home from the wedding was a relief because I knew I would be avoiding that. This led me down a thought trail of realising I wasn't ok with alcohol being a part of my daily life and it had been a part of my husband's daily life for the last 7 years. That weekend I prayed and reflected with a few close friends on my realisations and reached the conclusion that I needed to speak the truth God had revealed to me, to my husband. Later that week I gave him two choices, live with me and our children and give up alcohol or we will leave and start a new life without alcohol and him. I gave my husband a week to decide while living at home and at the end of that week, when he still was not clear on how he wanted to move forward with his life, I moved myself and our children into a friends home.
My children and I lived with friends for the next week and a half. I spoke the desires God placed on my heart and then I acted in faith releasing my husband to the Lord. I desired a fully restored family and walking away from him and our home was one of the hardest things I have ever done, it felt like I was throwing in the towel, I was completely crushed.
God can see what we can't, when He asks us to take one step that seems so scary, even though we don't know what the rest of the journey looks like, we can trust that he has everything planned out and that plan is good. Good does not mean comfortable, good is good because God is good.
I truly had no idea what was next, the only thing I was sure of was that I was held by a Heavenly Father who loved me and my family and His desire was restoration. God worked through my friends to carry us and teach me. For the first time in my life I had to allow people to help me for the survival of my three children and I. Every time someone offered some form of help, from carrying a bag to taking us out for dinner, I said yes. I said yes with my lips but in my gut I was dying, dying of self and that was good refining work from God. Remember, good does not mean comfortable.
Many people who look at this story will look at the end result that my husband has started his sobriety journey by the grace of God. This is the more talked about form of addiction. I am proud of my husband and praise God for the miraculous work He has done in him and continues to do in him.
The less common storyline here which I want to make sure you see, is that of the other half. The sin of self, the sin of trying to be God and control everyone and everything. Standing back and walking in my own sobriety journey free from that sin, is also a miraculous work of God. The enemy lies to us and tells us that we need to manage everything but that's not our work, that's God's work. We have responsibilities as wives and mothers but it does not all rest on our shoulders. In trying to control everything, I suppressed so much and it made me sick. God has revealed this sin to me and by His grace I have been set free.
My husband and I are now walking in that freedom together, as imperfect humans fumbling along the way trying to follow the path God has for us. Right now as I write this, I am sitting in the midst of packing bins as we prepare to sell our home and move to the East Coast of Canada. Years ago God planted seeds in my husband to move there and now is the time. God has prepared us and He also goes before us and so as my husband and I lock hands and walk this road with our family, we know that even when we can't see the whole story, He is working all things for His glory and our good. It is an uncomfortable change but good.
I have a client group where I serve a community of humans working to cause healthy change in their lives, it's called Find Your Groove. In this group we focus on building healthy routines that lead to the change we would like to see in our lives; losing weight, building confidence, paying off debt, building a business, increasing energy, and growing a deeper relationship with God. We are working towards some form of change. Finding your groove is about making space for the continuous work that will cause change. And because that work causes change, you never stop trying to find your groove because the journey is ever evolving. I think we are often unprepared for what change will feel like when it arrives. It can feel really scary, sad, uncomfortable and sometimes it's joyful and exciting but I think the really big stuff is often the latter at first. I think in the past I have gotten close to change and gotten scared and backed away. The excuses started rolling in and I took myself out of the game. Not anymore, I am in, I am all in for what God has for me and ultimately what I have been praying for. I have seen God open doors for me that are answers to my prayers but I am the only one who can walk through them. God created us with free will, we can choose to walk by faith or stay stuck. Both scenarios are hard, feeling stuck is hard and walking by faith is hard but walking by faith will always bring me closer to Jesus and glorify Him, so I continue to choose that path, the uncomfortable good path of walking by faith.
Heather Lapier
Sept 23, 2022
